Pākehā new yeah

This is a Pākehā new year apparently -we have to go by the new dates that some random megalomaniac in Italy devised for y’all a few thousand years ago. It’s a fad that won’t last cos it’s out of synch with the reality people are finally starting to wake up to.

There’s no such thing as time.

In writing that, I’m glad that one phase is coming to a natural conclusion. I’ve been focussing on finishing my thesis…I mean, for the past four years I have been saying that I am focussing on finishing my thesis, but now I’m nearly finished…26 more days and then I am sending it off to my supervisors for final feedback – print and then submit.

These past few months have been intense so I am enjoying wiping some slates clean and moving on with life, it’s time to let go and be free for a welcome change.

I have started doing some very low key performance artwork in Rotorua, where I live. An old man physically abused me even though I was only writing a story about our polluted lake with chalk on cobblestones…he even tried to push me in the lake before I turned into an angry Māori betch. Really, this series of performance works are the winding up of my PhD creative works. I’ve realised that my PhD project has been a process of stripping my artwork back the essentials, where my voice is no longer trapped and enslaved by the expected layers of thinking demanded by academentia in contemporary art. Screw ‘contemporary art’ and ‘art theory’. Fuck art, I’m into the creation of taonga. I enjoyed making taonga about taonga yesterday…it made me free again.

Anyway, back to the thesis at hand xxx

I went shopping

I went shopping

I went shopping.

I felt guilty to be buying things. I no longer have a paying job, so am a bit frightened I will run out of money.

It’s normal to worry about running out of money. I have run out of money whilst living in the US and Canada in the past. It was scary. I felt homeless, and I thought I was going to die here.

I made art about that experience and I generally keep it with me. Although, this time I did not bring it to Vancouver. I decided that it would be apt to leave it in Piha, Aotearoa New Zealand, and I can use it to tell story when I am there in a reflective space. Over the past six years I have continued to paint the feelings I endured at that time, but also the differences as I have grown and incorporated the learning which most certainly must have been meant to be.

It was my journey to suffer and experience how hard life is. I feel like I was supposed to experience the full spectrum of life to enable me with ways to relate to a very wide range of people.

I am on a new haerenga now. This haerenga is about empowerment; for both myself, and those I encounter.

On this journey I am not allowed to feel guilt for buying things, especially when I need them. I actually had to tell myselfishmess off when I was at London Shoppers Drugmart. I wanted to buy…actually, I need razors, but I nearly decided not to get them because they were twenty two dollars. I wanted the four pack of razors which cost thirteen dollars, but the store had run out. In the end I told myself to get over it and to buy the things I need.

I am not allowed to worry about running out of things anymore, especially not money. My whole life I have had a fear of money. It is because of this fear that I limit myself and the things I think I can do. Experience tells me that if I really want to do something I will, regardless of the cost. I am an excellent problem-solver and am very resourceful. I live within my means and am beginning to realise that even when I felt deficient in the past, I actually have always been blessed with abundance.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about binary relationships and polarity. Often when I experience something, by default I look for negatives, and of course always see them. However, now I am trying hard to internalise the feeling of immediate positivity. Physical feelings sometimes have opposite emotions that can be attached to them. Anxiety feels the same as excitement. Love can feel like hate. Femininity can feel like masculinity. Deficiency can feel like abundance.

Dance, because I love to.

I forgot to buy materials to remake my poi, and I also didn’t get a SIM card. These are now things that I potentially will do tomorrow.

This is my new haerenga and it is one of lightness, kindness and abundance. I promise to smile.