I went shopping.
I felt guilty to be buying things. I no longer have a paying job, so am a bit frightened I will run out of money.
It’s normal to worry about running out of money. I have run out of money whilst living in the US and Canada in the past. It was scary. I felt homeless, and I thought I was going to die here.
I made art about that experience and I generally keep it with me. Although, this time I did not bring it to Vancouver. I decided that it would be apt to leave it in Piha, Aotearoa New Zealand, and I can use it to tell story when I am there in a reflective space. Over the past six years I have continued to paint the feelings I endured at that time, but also the differences as I have grown and incorporated the learning which most certainly must have been meant to be.
It was my journey to suffer and experience how hard life is. I feel like I was supposed to experience the full spectrum of life to enable me with ways to relate to a very wide range of people.
I am on a new haerenga now. This haerenga is about empowerment; for both myself, and those I encounter.
On this journey I am not allowed to feel guilt for buying things, especially when I need them. I actually had to tell myselfishmess off when I was at London Shoppers Drugmart. I wanted to buy…actually, I need razors, but I nearly decided not to get them because they were twenty two dollars. I wanted the four pack of razors which cost thirteen dollars, but the store had run out. In the end I told myself to get over it and to buy the things I need.
I am not allowed to worry about running out of things anymore, especially not money. My whole life I have had a fear of money. It is because of this fear that I limit myself and the things I think I can do. Experience tells me that if I really want to do something I will, regardless of the cost. I am an excellent problem-solver and am very resourceful. I live within my means and am beginning to realise that even when I felt deficient in the past, I actually have always been blessed with abundance.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about binary relationships and polarity. Often when I experience something, by default I look for negatives, and of course always see them. However, now I am trying hard to internalise the feeling of immediate positivity. Physical feelings sometimes have opposite emotions that can be attached to them. Anxiety feels the same as excitement. Love can feel like hate. Femininity can feel like masculinity. Deficiency can feel like abundance.
Dance, because I love to.
I forgot to buy materials to remake my poi, and I also didn’t get a SIM card. These are now things that I potentially will do tomorrow.
This is my new haerenga and it is one of lightness, kindness and abundance. I promise to smile.