I sit across from you – we stride this magical space of creation where a mutha-load of potential and energy bursts forth.

You are like some ancient Goddess, beholden to only yourself, me with you similarly the same – unrelenting fires that make spaces glow with movement.

The momentum is a blessing that makes my body surge like an ocean sometimes, at other times it’s just messing with my head – but it’s definitely always my choice. Choice bro…

I can’t fathom the depths because you are so deep and provocative, evocative of the unfeeling I can communicate with words, but not often actions – and yet you are te ao mārama, the world of light that shows me some new ways beyond the robot witch I so often manifest as.

Has it been an eternity yet? Where are we going? Do we care or just bear the weight of baring our souls entwined.

Wairua – two waters that flow together to make a whole forever.

I’ve missed you until now.

Pākehā new yeah

This is a Pākehā new year apparently -we have to go by the new dates that some random megalomaniac in Italy devised for y’all a few thousand years ago. It’s a fad that won’t last cos it’s out of synch with the reality people are finally starting to wake up to.

There’s no such thing as time.

In writing that, I’m glad that one phase is coming to a natural conclusion. I’ve been focussing on finishing my thesis…I mean, for the past four years I have been saying that I am focussing on finishing my thesis, but now I’m nearly finished…26 more days and then I am sending it off to my supervisors for final feedback – print and then submit.

These past few months have been intense so I am enjoying wiping some slates clean and moving on with life, it’s time to let go and be free for a welcome change.

I have started doing some very low key performance artwork in Rotorua, where I live. An old man physically abused me even though I was only writing a story about our polluted lake with chalk on cobblestones…he even tried to push me in the lake before I turned into an angry Māori betch. Really, this series of performance works are the winding up of my PhD creative works. I’ve realised that my PhD project has been a process of stripping my artwork back the essentials, where my voice is no longer trapped and enslaved by the expected layers of thinking demanded by academentia in contemporary art. Screw ‘contemporary art’ and ‘art theory’. Fuck art, I’m into the creation of taonga. I enjoyed making taonga about taonga yesterday…it made me free again.

Anyway, back to the thesis at hand xxx

working… it out

heartbreak hotel small

I have spent today, yesterday, the day before, the day before and all other days before with the artists, curators researchers and everyday people who have arrived in my life, and in my mind to talk their stories. These days have been memories of a lifetime of conversations… passing remnants of realities, interwoven and seductively entrancing forms of evolution.

It feels good to be able to act in in some ways as the whenua; to be the land that listens as the seas coax my skin, to be the land that feels the sky surrender its tears of joy as they fall upon my eternal soul.

I suppose I have been pretty independent lately, which is good. I really want to make the most of the opportunity I have been given to explore creative practice, and to commit to inhabiting my skin.

As the days merge, and emerge anew, I write pages and pages of alphabetised lingua, I let them languish and laugh communicades of consciousness; writing to the versions of others that really, must be the aspects of myself that inhabit the forms of those within my sometimes lonely sphere. I am always here.

I am starting to realise how much I love to write. My fingers talk so much these days, and in some ways I do not miss the sound of my voice because my body has started to harmonise my ethereal self, and so instead, I feel more myself than I ever have before.

I tend to write stream of consciousness, my words just ebb and flow forth from the frayed ends of my armature. I had no formal education in creative writing apart from what I really didn’t learn at high school. Even at University, nobody ever really taught me how to write. It’s just something I imbibed from books; osmosis of oratory posed and proclaimed on parchment. I suppose when I write, I simply commit to whatever words are in my head.

When I was young I had a speech impediment. I learnt to sound things out in my head before I spoke so that I wouldn’t stutter. I tend to think that this has helped me a lot. I find that I am able to communicate better in writing than through verbal means. Lately, I have been teaching my niece, a beautiful and inquisitive water-spirit, the things she needs to do; the ways she needs to shape her mouth and think through her words, so that her speech peculiarities don’t impede her the ways they did me until I learned to overcome them.

Sometimes when I am tired, my impediments come back to taunt me, and those are the times I am mean to myself as I echo lashings of laughter from the past.

I really have been working it out lately, and I have definitely learnt some new tricks. I have been making budgets, applying for funding, and making cool art… which I love, because although creativity pours in abundance from my pores, sometimes it feels completely mundane. Those are the times when I am feeling uncertain about the material life, one that seems to me abnormal, but is truly popular to many others. Over the past few days as I have risen again from my own ashes of ashen faced doubt, I have begun again to feel affirmed in what I already do; the things that I normally do; the things that are perhaps extraordinary and not at all normal to most others…

Over the coming months I will do research on the ways that Maori people have been finding place through traditional Maori creative strategies, I am really loving making theory, and living it as art.

I have been having awesome conversations with friends.

Even though they are all over the world, creating their own unique forms of magic, I love them as they love me. Today I am writing and making all kinds of memories.

Life is pretty awesome!