Flashback to youth, I miss the lack of knowing, the ignorance, the presence.

It feels sometimes like I’ve rationalised myself to oblivion.

I found this pic on my best friend’s fridge, from 96. Holy shit I had only just turned 20 then… Today still poor, still a student, still black, less drunk though.

“When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what would I be… ”

Still tryna figure that out. Maybe today will have an answer.

Yesterday as I served plates of food to waiting people seated at rows of tables, my relations feasting the life of another dearly departed, I realised I’m living the dream. A lot of people dream of a return to whenua, a return to their papakāinga, a whānau life spent trying to collectively heal from deadened pasts.

Academia can wait, maybe it can wait forever.

I see abundance in this life of changing centres. I try to feel good, I try to be good. Goodness knows…