3am eternal

It’s 3am ish…

Shit’s been weird lately, I don’t know what’s up with me.

I need a plan…

Things are great in some senses, like, I have been going to the gym and have put on 4 kilos of muscle. I look hot! On the other hand, I’m constantly eating shit food. There have been an epic number of tangi lately…I can’t remember a time when more relations have died. You can imagine, that’s a lot of steamed pudding to consume at the hākari. I have been trying to go to more tangi and more community events, but there’s always the wrong types of food and cos I’m always hungry I just eat it all up.

I’m not down with my sex life either. It sux to look great and feel like there’s noone to appreciate it…like, the guys I’m hooking up with lately are pretty average, like seriously average (sorry if I fucked u lately…you’re average but still made me cum, thanks). There’s a distinct lack of handsome men around, except that one guy I’m not allowed to write or talk about. I’m trying out grindr atm. It sux…I’m not good at negotiating sex with strangers except when it’s 100% anonymous. Korekore rawa e whai ure kē ahau ki ngā tauhou, engari, ka pai mā ngā tāngata, kotahi rau paihēneti tauhou anake! Āe, pai tērā. He rerekē? I either have to totally know someone or totally not know them at all to feel comfortable fucking them. Grindr even is too familiar weirdly.

I’ve always been a fan of anonymous sex, quickies in the park etc etc. It’s so easy to find sex, I’m a practical person…horny???…get sex…proceed with day. Engari, ka koroua haeretanga ana au, e hiahia ai te mea nui, he aroha tonu nō tāku hoa pūmau, nō tāku hoa takatāpui. Kei hea ia? As I get older I’m feeling like I want to share my life with some1. It’s about to get epic. I don’t wanna do epic single.

I’ve been learning my language, through a total immersion program. It’s one of the best in the country and I am getting good grades…as you’d expect from a scholar, but yeah, I need to put more effort in. I’m cracking ‘A’s, but really I should be getting ‘A+’s. I can’t believe I can speak, write and understand my own language.

But I feel like I need to put more effort in across the board actually. I’m feeling very first world problems, cos it’s not good to have the world at my feet, and yet feel unfulfilled.

I’m not following through on opportunities. I’ve had many many blessings this year, and many many great offers. I have emails that are six months overdue on reply. I’ve been a sad guy, ladyman, mea. Change is coming tho.

My psychology has been a little fucked up, so I haven’t been able to capitalise on opportunities, but yeah, the tide is turning and I’m starting to get the good feels on permanent.

The PhD really undid me, to the point where for the past few years I feel like I’ve been coming back from a manic episode. I got to know myself…some of me was a demon who I didn’t like. He’s gone now tho, so I can change for good finally. Maybe one day I’ll write about how much weed it took to smoke out that demon.

So each day I go through my routines, I get up and run, or get up and gym, I shower, shave my face and head, put on a sexy outfit, beat my face and make my eyes glam, accessorise discriminatingly, go to school from 9 – 3 in another city, go home, smoke drugs eat, study, work, fuck, sleep, repeat. The smoke drugs and fuck habits are in change up mode, they’re just fading hangovers from the shadow that was in me.

I’ve had to keep it simple as my strategy for recovery, because deep down I when I got to flight or fight mode, I selected flight path. That was a few years back now, like 2016…the year of trying to make things end permanently. Recovery has been slow, but good things have been happening…like I’ve quit ciggies, I’m drinking waaay less alcohol, I finished a PhD and now have a whole universe of potential before me. Like, I’ve published a couple of times already this year, a major art historian from the US has written about my art in her new book and I have shows coming up!!! I’m working on two surveys and am about to complete another article for publication. That’s my fight mode, it always clicks in to save me from myselfishmess. For two years I have been on autopilot, coming back from self-descruct.

And there’s the rub, it’s fucking scary. I’m scared.

I’m scared because I’ve nearly sorted my life out…nearly, I’m so nearly nearly nearly nearly there. Things are nearly perfectly aligned for me to step off and get that happily ever after life…I can see it, if I reach out to touch it I can have it.

But I’m too scared.

When I wake up in the morning, I won’t be scared anymore.

I have a plan.

When I wake up in the morning I’m hundy…for life.

xxx Dr Tāwhanga Mary Legs Nopera.

3 thoughts on “3am eternal

  1. Ahhhh… took a big deeeep breath after reading this… feeling you on every level. Also, thinking how to bring you to Fiji to share your work and your words… I will be in touch. So much love from me, and mad respect xxx

  2. Ahhh depression, the flip side to mania. But from where I’m sitting, you are doing so damn well my friend. I’m so goddamn proud of you and am, as always, cheering from the sidelines. XXX

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