Best and worst

I haven’t been feeling so great lately – I have been shedding a final layer of skin and some parts of it are glued to my soul. I just want to be beyond myself, the one I have put to rest.

Best, the best is to come if I can release the worst.

The process of release is bound in my PhD thesis, which for the most part is written. I met with my chief supervisor yesterday and we decided to extend the pain for another two weeks – I was supposed to submit yesterday.

My creative supervisors have been silent with no feedback, and so I am unsure about what I have put my heart and soul into. My thesis is so personal, maybe that’s the challenge. Maybe they think I am a dick. Maybe my work is no good. Maybe I have completely missed the mark. Maybe…

May I be free of these feelings.

The feels are that good things are just past my field of vision. Every day when I think of ways out of life, beyond the feelings of hopelessness that make me think of where to drown, I encourage myself with positive conversations. I tell myself I am a good person and that I do good work, even though all I see in the mirror are faults.

I hate being so broken, and broke too. I know I have a very easy life compared to most, but that unfortunately can’t shake the memories of a lifetime. I’m an artist. I am a sensitive person. I feel what I feel and it’s not right to deny feelings, but rather I know I just have to feel them, process them and find ways through.

So that’s what I do. I get up in the morning and I spend my day writing my thesis – there really is nothing else at the moment. No work, no pressing demands, no demanding girlfriend, no money, no job to go to at the crack of dawn, no bullshit bartending to drunks, no meetings. Just my thesis – that’s a blessing I cannot ignore.

I’ll be glad when this thing is finalised. It has all my power in it and I need to send it into the void so that it can create new life.

No more strife.

2 thoughts on “Best and worst

  1. My friend, you are not alone. I wanted to thank you for the very kind words you left about the film, and now let me say something to you: you’ll be just fine. It is most than just a metaphor. You really will be fine. The phase in which you are in is horrible for everybody, I’ve been there. For you it is possibly more like that, because you are an artist. But keep it on, keep it going, and you’ll see that I am right — you’ll be fine. I hug you!

    • Kia ora my friend! Very much appreciated. I woke up today and the sun was shining and I feel a lot better about what I’m doing. I hope you are awesome Michele 🙂

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