Melting

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Moments, stretched into elongated epitaphs.

Urgh, this last stretch is a betch, as I wend my words winding up a good few years invested in one project.

The past two months have dragged, dredging up dissonance and doldrums, but encouragingly no depression.

Writing this last part of my thesis has been a struggle. I realised that a lot of that of the struggle was internal, where I created problems out of  the words I was making; minute details of expression exasperating me. Although, when I stand back I can see that context is everything, and perhaps my context has been frayed somewhat with the pressure of lots of work and impending deadlines … in this case I hope to cross the line alive…

Suicide – I have a new project focusing on rangatahi takatāpui suicide intervention called – Te Aho Tāhuhu. I’m still in prep mode for this particular project, because the delivery of the intervention doesn’t begin until December, but holy shit, it has felt like a lot of work already. The series of exhibitions showcasing my PhD is a grind, a bad grind. I’m finding it hard to coordinate all the strands I am trying to weave together and my inner-voice keeps saying, “stand back and let things weave themselves together”, which is what I am practicing. Every day I get a little something achieved but I feel swamped and on edge.

It’s important to me, and to others that I do not stop, that I do not give in to the negative self-talk, that I smoke a joint when I feel the desire, that I keep up with my detox diet and most importantly that I love myself. I feel tired, but for this time of year in the middle of winter my skin looks epic which tells me that I am well. HIV does this thing where you tend to doubt your capacity to be healthy. Of course, like most of the things I research, this stems from stigma rather than reality.

I need to call the printers and sort my fucking prints out.

I’m looking forward to the coming week. I’ll be visiting Sydney with a cohort of my PhD peeps and two of our high-power supervisors, but I am also taking two of my teenage nephews with me. We’re being hosted by Jumbunna, which the the Indigenous house of learning at UTS, and we’ll be sharing knowledge and being political in support of our Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander relations.

There’s lots of reasons to look forward to visiting Sydney … biceps, I love biceps :).

One thought on “Melting

  1. I just emerged from this last phase of writing. It seems never ending and yet I am so ready to end it. Sydney sounds great… all the best for the last hurdle!

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