you'll never find

I know what to do.

I woke up this morning and reluctantly got out of bed, got dressed, strolled to the park across the road and worked out. I have been working with a new program that a friend devised for me whilst I am travelling. I have always been pretty good at being fit and active, although sometimes I completely fall off the radar. Those are the times when I loathe my body, almost as if the loathing makes me deny my own presence to the point I become absent.

I am used to running and doing circuit-type training, but I don’t have running shoes whilst here. I left my running shoes at home with the intent to buy new ones… nak the one, I haven’t found any I like. But yah, algudz because I have this program which does not really require shoes. It’s a combination of tabata, mobility and lengthening exercises which I feel is an effective all over conditioning regime. I am nearing 40 and rather than try to maintain the exercise habits of my youth, I think it makes more sense to find pathways toward sustainable longevity. Running can at times be too jarring, weights too contracting and swimming too boring, so this program ticks a lot of boxes for me.

I really know what to do, and now is the perfect time to intensify my commitment and move forward in the direction of a peaceful warrior.

Worries, they sift between the fingers of upward facing palms, open to the world in acceptance and offering. Give and take, break my heart no more, sore to the core of being alive. I thrive, thrashing in the smash of the crash that did not kill.


Patience and urgency collide and I levitate to an imaginary point above, I love the looking down at myself to see the context of the living I tend to ignore and dismiss.

Kiss me and lie no more.

Today I plan to work a few things out with my thesis. I had some great feedback from my supervisor in Hawai’i and I feel like I have ways and means to construct what I have envisioned since that first time I prayed to Pele. There have been lots of signs, signalling my way forward, but as always resistance. I barricaded my potential and left it lonely, isolated into insignificance, instant gratifications giving into gaps where not only was I missing, I was in denial that I could be as lost as I knew I had made myself.

Today my task is to put myself back into my thesis. As it has formed I had fallen upon swords and silenced my true self in deference to the dominating knowledge production discourses. That has to stop.

Plans for prosperity.

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