you'll never find

I know what to do.

I woke up this morning and reluctantly got out of bed, got dressed, strolled to the park across the road and worked out. I have been working with a new program that a friend devised for me whilst I am travelling. I have always been pretty good at being fit and active, although sometimes I completely fall off the radar. Those are the times when I loathe my body, almost as if the loathing makes me deny my own presence to the point I become absent.

I am used to running and doing circuit-type training, but I don’t have running shoes whilst here. I left my running shoes at home with the intent to buy new ones… nak the one, I haven’t found any I like. But yah, algudz because I have this program which does not really require shoes. It’s a combination of tabata, mobility and lengthening exercises which I feel is an effective all over conditioning regime. I am nearing 40 and rather than try to maintain the exercise habits of my youth, I think it makes more sense to find pathways toward sustainable longevity. Running can at times be too jarring, weights too contracting and swimming too boring, so this program ticks a lot of boxes for me.

I really know what to do, and now is the perfect time to intensify my commitment and move forward in the direction of a peaceful warrior.

Worries, they sift between the fingers of upward facing palms, open to the world in acceptance and offering. Give and take, break my heart no more, sore to the core of being alive. I thrive, thrashing in the smash of the crash that did not kill.


Patience and urgency collide and I levitate to an imaginary point above, I love the looking down at myself to see the context of the living I tend to ignore and dismiss.

Kiss me and lie no more.

Today I plan to work a few things out with my thesis. I had some great feedback from my supervisor in Hawai’i and I feel like I have ways and means to construct what I have envisioned since that first time I prayed to Pele. There have been lots of signs, signalling my way forward, but as always resistance. I barricaded my potential and left it lonely, isolated into insignificance, instant gratifications giving into gaps where not only was I missing, I was in denial that I could be as lost as I knew I had made myself.

Today my task is to put myself back into my thesis. As it has formed I had fallen upon swords and silenced my true self in deference to the dominating knowledge production discourses. That has to stop.

Plans for prosperity.

ceiling fan

I am inside today, mostly because it is too hot outside, but also because I am a little tired. I smoked pot over the weekend and I am suddenly realising that it really does make me feel tired once it is no longer numbing my brain.

I am making a real effort to address some things that I haven’t been able to resolve before in my life. Now is the right time. I used to be such a stoner, but not anymore, I don’t want to not feel the life I have been blocking from my receptors. I want to connect and I want things to make sense.

I am in California for the next four weeks and already, I am glad to be back among friends, home away from home.

I spent the past week in Hawai’i, on Oahu. Pele has been evolving something beneath the surface there for me. It’s something that I prayed to her about a long time ago when I was much younger, though the prayer has been a constant commitment in my daily life. All paths are leading somewhere and I can feel energy about to envelop what I once considered ngaro space. Something is happening in Hawai’i and although it is focused in there, it is less about Hawai’i and more about me; the individual searching for collective meaning. The presence of Ruaimoko sends forth steamy missives of heat and motion, hidden energy waiting to sear the surface with sensation.

I had an uber driver in Oahu tell me about the aloha spirit. The major part of me did not like a non-Hawai’ian speaking to me about Moana knowledge, but I am a fair person and what he said, although watered-down by Americanisation rang with truth. I like aloha because unlike love, aloha has a clearer intent and purpose. Love is crazed, irrational and fragmented. Aroha is meaningful and expansive.

The ceiling fan is going around and around and today, it represents the psychic space I have occupied for some years now. There are circles within circles and they cycle in constant rhythms.


Arawai Moana

Arawai Moana

Every morning and evening I look out the window, at the remnants of the volcano. I think about the explosion and the devastation, and what became of the ruins.

In so many ways I can relate.

I am having an experience and I am enjoying it. I think back on the explosion of my life, the lava of lost love, the ashen faced me wending my way to the sea, see me no more. I call out but I cannot hear myself because I have gone.

Wrong, all so wrong and yet somehow exactly right.

To fight is counterproductive. Float into the wastelands and wander for forty days and forty nights. Eat the wind, the dust and the sweat of toil. Blood boils until it evaporates into mist, I missed something and yet I saw more than I should have.

I see lots…not dead people, but messages, in the breeze I hear whispers and they help me to know what to do. Sometimes the sounds are confusing, but as I get older I gain agency over them and wend my own pathways, through valleys, plains, marshes, concrete, bricks and sand.

And then there I am again. I never left. I never disappeared. I never dissipated into oblivion but rather reformed.

Right on.