fear is the mind chiller

Fear is unfortunate, on the one hand it can keep you safe, on the other it can keep you too safe. There is definitely such a thing as too safe.

Sometimes I crawl, falling upon swords as I stab myself with maliciousness. Ridiculousness, riding lowly, slowly faltering in the feverish fearful dreamscape. Escapades of eventual self-defeat, defecating on my own desires.

But no fear today, I banish it and believe in the things I keep telling myself are fraught with fabrications; my head doesn’t actually know sometimes.

Today I am trusting what my body says. At one point it said, “get off this damn beach and go and eat something”, and I knew it was right. When I am in the US I hate buying takeaway food because I feel like I don’t know what’s in it. So today, instead of shopping for some new clothes, I shopped for food to cook for myself. The food I made was yummy and I realised that I should have perhaps bought some ice cream as well.

Today, I am trusting what my body says about other things too. My body feels good, alive and happy.

Trust: aroha not fear.

Breathe slow

Inhale and exhale, Monday to Sunday respiration. Information to aspiration, actions and tractions, fictions and factions.

I am at the end of my busy time for the year and it feels sublime knowing that the seeds are all planted. My days until February are watering and sunshine, drawing creative sustenance from my ancient grandmother the Earth. I have two pieces of work to complete in the next week and then I am looking forward to being in the world again. First stop Honolulu :).

For the past year life has been go home stay home, plugged into my zone, zoning the world out to make sense of some things. I won’t lie, the past 12 months have been full on crazy busy madness. Every day has been a new set of circumstances to consider, attempts for order somewhat ordinary and yet stellar in the making. I have been forced to stop to take breath.

I can only wonder what the next 12 months will bring, although I have strategised at least, for the semblance of balance. It’s like I have this whole jigsaw puzzle; I have counted all the pieces and I know they’ll all fit.  Now I just need some time to put it all together outside of its usual box.

Part of me frets to pack my home up, release my grasp on possessions and again dwindle my life into a small bag. I shouldn’t be fearful tho. I have done this a million times before. I dunno, I suppose I never really had my very own place before and the ability to fund a nice style…although I know that if I try to force fixed formulas into my life, stagnation simmers.

I can afford to travel for the next 6 months, and so really, that’s my rationale. Once I finish my PhD I will have a whole lot more layers of accountability to adhere to. It was damn hard to find space for the coming months already. I might not ever have an opportunity to be free and roam again, and so I need to allay all fears and fall…float me into imaginings.

Over the weekend I thought about the multiple journeys that have been part of my research hearenga. Layers of longitude and latitude, longing to love, from the inside out. A long time ago I made a prayer to Pele. I went to Hawii, stood in front her, and talked the story of my hidden life, the one I could only wish for. A long time after I went to Alaska. I stood on deck as the sea furiously whipped beneath me, and I prayed to Sedna to unhide me from my life, so that I could begin to see the things I didn’t know I could wish for.

Today, things make sense. I pray to Maui all the time so that I can be trickstery.

Pacing breath, am nearly there and already it looks quite special.