I have been working on a new image lately, it’s not nearly there yet which is so weird for me. I have been noticing that image-making takes longer these days. I reckon that’s not such a bad thing, as being in a PhD space I am always trying to find meaning and make sense of the things I do. But yah, strange to go from the ol’ 30 minute amazing wonder to the weeks long processes.
Different ways, different outcomes :).
Anyway, things have been going going going going going going going going going and stopping too. The weather is shit outside today, so I figured I should work from bed. Algudz though, I went for a walk to my village and I am going to training in a few hrs.
I have been thinking about my future a lot lately, in a strategic manner. My whole life I haven’t really had a plan, apart from my driving instinct that tells me I have a good purpose and I should keep walking forwards. I thought I would be dead by 30, so nearing 40 I figure luck is on my side.
I always felt like I was working toward being some kind of artist, a bullshit one mostly, and over the past five years felt like I accomplished a lot of creative success. Now however, I am realising there is most probably a long road ahead and that where I thought I was in the middle of my career, I am more at the beginning. It’s exciting to acknowledge that, because if this is the start then holy shit, good things are ahead.
I feel loved up.
I am suckful at relationships. Even though I am quite mechanical on the surface, inside I have a heart of a child, full of voice and expression but silenced by my robotic nature. I don’t like to let my heart out too often because in the past I have been really hurt, by others but more so by myself. I fall in love waaaaay too easy. I have been emerging from a scenario that has been particularly scarring and so many times over the past three years, that particular relationship caused damage. I am glad to be letting go of it, realising it was just a step on a cyclic journey.
Where I am from, my ancestors Tutaneki and Hinemoa left the legacy of beautiful relationship; within its layers I most definitely saw the threads of my own life begin to weave together. My Hinemoa and Tutaneki phase lasted from 2008 till now, but I have shifted beyond it. Interesting because for a long time I couldn’t see past its confines. It’s tricky in many ways to have a cultural memory of narratives, and to theorise about ways to use them productively and wisely. New stories are important and that’s where my research focus is. I suppose I needed a reminder to create my own story again.
Did you ever meet a guy you liked a lot before realising that life could be fun and drama free? Did you ever realise at the same time, that you didn’t have to stay put, that you were cashed up and that really, if you wanted to go travel, and live in another country for a few months to figure out if there was future in that fun, then you could totally do it?
One more month to churn out a mega amount of work, and then I am flying free in the world again.