Well, I haven’t posted in a few months. If anything, I have been too distracted trying to work shit out and stay on top of the game… what a shame, being busy sucks the life out of all the things I usually enjoy doing. Lately, a lot of the fun things I do have seemed like grinding cogs. The fogs have lifted, and perhaps I am seeing the inner mechanical workings of what used to seem like magic; the truths of being?
Regardless, life has been arduous.
I think on the surface I still seem chill, but if I seem chill on the outside, then my boiling blood is well hidden. Perhaps not such a good thing to focus my energy on being a lie. I try though, as thorough as I am, to play a range of emotions to dupe others into forgetting that I am just another robot. My routines are invisible to all but me these days, because I spend so much time in seclusion… nobody sees the secondary me.
It’s a type of seduction really, to stay within the confines of a particular space, to hide and while away the hours in memories that are outside the four walls that frame my daily fracas. In some ways I have been actively living in the prison of my personage, performing an assortment of licorice lollies; on the one hand I am being true to my inner-self and the intent I have inscribed into my imagination, on the other, I am committing to the observable outward spiral of growth that is only, perhaps, to be expected.
I suppose I am being two people at once; duplicitous – to achieve the desires of the daydreamers and the duty-bound, all at once.
It’s only a fool who thinks you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
It might seem rude to be so open about being two people at once… but I have realised there is no other way.
When I merge my genders and live as a single unit, the world perceives me as a trick, and in doing so I become a trickster to even myself. Instead, the dual way that I have forged has helped me morph multiple realities; by being two people, a public and private self at serious odds, I can shape-shift the world around me to suit my ultimate ends. I wonder about morality…is it morally, or ethically right to be one person in the searing light of day, and another in the dimmed corners of my consciousness? As l wonder through this question I know the answer can be neither right nor wrong – the moral of the story tells me that being able to pose the question in the first place, is what makes my double-selves ethical.
It’s a slippery slope, sober and salubrious, drunk and domesticated. Answers change by the millisecond, they are as untrustworthy as the worlds forged upon foundations of indisputable truth… because what is a truth but the absence of a lie; is there even such a thing; how would anyone ever know – if there were no lies then how would we even understand the concept of truth?
Philosophical positions, they really don’t make much for practical solutions. All I know is that being two different versions of me, to enact whatever it is I need to get done, is what works for the moment. I am enjoying being a man, and I am enjoying being a woman, even if it will only ever be me who sees the glimmer of light that demarcates the dissolving gender boundaries.
Today I am bound to just be me.