space

lake

 

I finally have space.

It has been a long time since I have had space to do the things that are important to me, but finally I have cleared everything else away, and out of my life, so that I can exist.

There is this space that is between, it is neither here nor there, at once it is both connected and disconnected, inside and outside; it is a place of becoming.

To get to this space requires a lot of work. A sense of this space requires a high degree of letting go, forms of salient sacrifice, because letting go is not as simple as opening the palms of your hands and letting life evaporate in the wind.

Instead, letting go is quite painful. Letting go forces us question our sanity and our rationale becomes irrational fear for things that feel like they are falling apart.

Letting go is quite brutal, emotions are enemies, they are envious of everything, they harp in harmonic discord, distortions of daily duty, denial of destinations, detours to daydreams and dismal distractions.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes, and now I am on to my next pack.

I get up in the morning and run five kilometers.

I say clever things.

I have grown a beard.

Things change, and you have to let them. Sometimes the changes are imperceptible, at other times they are tumultuous and tense, sensations of sagacity hidden in angry words and emotionless sentiments.

I have no idea why I have started to turn into a man again, but rather than resist because resistance is futile, I have just gone along with the flow.

I am a handsome man anyway.

I have never really been able to acknowledge that before.

I don’t know how long I am going to be a man again for. Actually, I have never really been a man before… I have been a guy, a dude, a boy, a kid, a male, but never a man. Manliness is something that has never been part of my identity, until now.

I was talking with my mother last night and she said, “son, are you growing a beard?” I just shrugged my shoulders and said I couldn’t be bothered shaving for a few days last week and then BAM.

We both laughed a little and then we smoked fags.

I am noticing I am dressing differently too. Mostly, I have just been rolling in tracksuits. They’re pretty hot tracksuits and they show my body off…my body that I have always shied away from, the repulsive reflection of the person I do not identify with. Until now.

Lately I look in the mirror and recognise that for a man, I am pretty damn hot. I’m not used to thinking that way about my masculinity.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens next, because when I imagined my PhD project, I did not imagine that the persona I perform would be so masculine. But, I suppose that’s where my research is, allowing for change, growing with it and then adapting.

Reactions rectify the ongoing insanity, they push the boundaries until the pou that mark out their limits are limitless; finite and infinite all at once. Once I was a dunce, dancing in the disco of drugs, depression and debauchery. Now, I am excelling, exceeding my expectations and exiting a new existence into the ether of elusions.

Life is delusion, but space is here to stay, now that I have found it, and I neither evade nor deny it… because it is mine.

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